I haven’t been blogging for a time now. I don’t know, I guess I was so busy pretending to be all okay, that everything is under control and this caused the shutdown of my creative juice production. Or maybe the story hasn’t been finished yet and it wasn’t ready to be told. But now, I think is the right time, everything is somehow finished. There are just few of those emotional tidbits left, but all the technicalities and stuff are already dealt with. So here it goes…
What I’m gonna share are my thoughts about a recent mishap that happened to me on the heart department a few months back. It all started when I had this weird feeling that’s something is off between us, that something is happening behind my back, and that I have to investigate. I caught him cheating from the very first time, after hacking his account on an online hook up site, asking countless of random guys for one night stands (strike 1). I was so hurt that time, so I seek comfort from a close friend, but instead it led me to another revelation. This friend of mine was also asked, with no hesitation, to jump in to bed with him (strike 2).
What I felt that time led me to my first breakup attempt. I thought it was that easy, I thought I was ready to leave him, but I wasn’t. He somehow managed to make me believe with his sugar-coated, honey-dipped, extra sweet with whipped cream words. The breakup didn’t happen along with the promise that he’ll change. After the incident, the first few days were awesome, I can say. He’s sweet, just like the guy that I fell in love centuries ago, and then it was gone again. I don’t know what pushed me that time but I tried checking his online account on that very same hook up site. And viola, I caught him again, and this time with a different approach, he will message a guy, an invitation to come over to our place (emphasis on “our place”) for a drinking session (strike 3).
I didn’t take this the normal way; I wasn’t in myself that time. I was weak, and I tried committing suicide. I know I know… it’s pathetic. I shouldn’t be wasting my life for some not so good life-form that exists on the planet. Good thing I surrounded myself with some people that I can consider gems and they saved my life. This resulted to my breakup attempt number two, and unlike the first one, it was successful… for a time, but he lured me in again by making a video, asking forgiveness and all that shit. Of course a typical person who wanted romance badly will gonna buy that. In short, we’re back together, living under one roof, pretending that there’s nothing wrong.
I thought everything will be as good as it was before, I thought that he really did change. I tried giving him again my full trust, because we agreed to start anew, with a clean slate. But one thing I learned from the shocking events that keeps on happening is not to let my guard down. One rainy morning after his shift, I caught him meeting someone (strike 4). I confronted him about it and I was told that I should just let it slide because the guy that I saw was just an officemate or a boyfriend of his officemate. I don’t know what else to believe, but still I let it passed.
Our life continued, I go to work in the morning and he’ll go to work at night. Our schedule is completely opposite and neither did I know that this became a big window for him to cheat on me again, for the nth time. One normal day, I decided to go home early; I don’t know what pushed me, all I remember is my instincts were telling me to go straight home that day. And so I did, and there I caught him again with the same low life creature that he’s with few weeks back, inside our house, in our room, on our bed (strike5).
I almost killed someone that night. It’s like the beast in me wanted to take over. But I took control, and held on to the promise that I’m not gonna lay my hands on him like his ex’s. I can still recall what I felt that very moment, suppressed anger, pain and sorrow all rolled into one. I was so devastated, when I went inside our room and saw our unfixed mattress, it's like seeing a movie, playing over and over on what they were doing. I was like fighting to be alive. I can’t move nor breathe. My chest wanted to explode.
After that incident I decided to leave him, but it wasn’t easy. The first few days were like a drama marathon. I was crying every day, ‘coz I still can’t accept the fact that this love story is about to end. Because for me, when you commit to someone you’ll picture a lifetime together, growing old together, and on top of that plan is the love that you feel towards that person. It ain’t easy to just leave it all behind. It ain’t easy to just let go of those happy moments. Somehow I’m still hoping that he would realized that too, that once upon time we had great happiness together.
We still stayed together in our house for a few days, but most of the time I’m the one at home and he’s nowhere to be found. I was told by him that he’s not seeing someone, that he already dumped the guy that I caught him with. Honestly, during that time, I wanted him to redeem himself; I wanted him to do a remarkable thing to win me back. But instead truths are coming out behind all his lies. I found out that every time he’s away, he’s with the same low-life creature. That’s the time that I finally accepted the cruel fact that things aren’t going to be the way they were before, that I have to win the argument with myself that he’s not for me. And I did, I have reached my saturation point and finally found the courage to leave him.
Maybe not all happy ending is the stereotype happy ending that we all know, maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy or a guy that pretends that he is wonderful. Maybe it's just me, on my own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing myself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just... moving on! Or maybe the happy ending is knowing that, through all the broken hearts, through all the pain and embarrassments, I never ever gave up hope.
